Tiny ripples of hope

Sometimes, people suck… ’bout covers it, eh? this isn’t referring to those people close to me, but more or less the state of the world sometimes. but why am i extra bitter, sad, or cynical today?

• Yele i was once told by a mentor to never trust an organization that was less than 20 years old. i hate that this person was right. i must admit, i usually cringe a little every time she was right. it is someone who has seen the worst of the worst and tends to distrust a little. Granted, i tend to do the same, but i’m a hopeless romantic and want to believe in the best in people. But here, you have a founder who is now openly taking more than his fair share – and the funds aren’t getting to where they need to be.  When i posted my last blog, i hadn’t heard the reports yet.  A side note, i have heard several accounts of the International Red Cross being a formidable, most recognizable presence in Haiti.
• Morgan Harrington was found today. Well, we think. Reports are cited as “fairly confident.” Skeletal remains were found approximately 6 miles from where she was last sighted. This fills my heart with great sadness. May the student body band together as they get through yet another tragedy. All the alumni here have been hoping for her safe return back to her family and to campus and our hearts and condolences will pour out for the family.
• MLS soccer/Freddy Ljundberg controversy Just goes with my frustration of when sports turn against themselves in inter-politics. Granted professional MLS players are currently getting shafted, a lockout would be the demise of the whole league. This sport has barely caught on in America, and to freakish epic proportions in Seattle (and i love it!) We are getting our two-poles ready… Don’t disappoint us. Freddy, i don’t even know what to say. You are a true professional and you set the bar high in athleticism… but to not camaraderie with your Sounders mates is just disappointing. Other than the frequent headaches (which i sympathize with), you have shown more class than i would say Montero has. i hope the first day of training camp was blown out of proportion and you will give us your full 120 once the season starts!
• The state of the Democratic Party We lost our “super majority” before we ever had the chance to use it. We compromised everything on the stimulus bill and the health care reform bills. If health care reform passes, it will be a much sadder, weaker bill than any of us ever cared to imagine. We showed all our cards on the stimulus and let the strong components get picked off one by one and wonder why it isn’t as successful as its potential. i nervously wait for the State of the Union and hope that President Obama will re-energize the party and return to some of the ideals we voted for him on! (Maybe this is too much West Wing talking and President Bartlett’s idealism that tended to rule the day…)

On the plus side, as i look at the state of the world around me and see all these indications of weak-willedness, hatred, and selfishness – i see daily signs of compassion and love. i remember there are many people who have given time and money to the sufferers of Haiti – i am immensely proud of the VT students who spent their winter breaks in Haiti rebuilding “shacks” only to be shaken by earthquake (they remembered Haitians prior to a tragedy and wanted to lend a hand), i am immensely proud of the AmeriCorps Alums who served on ‘Extreme Makeover: Home Edition’ in the largest volunteer turnout the show has ever seen, i am grateful for the tiny bits of service i see on a daily basis: the extra hug, a cup of coffee or tea when someone is down, the list goes on and on.

When the mass of people start to bring me down and i can see no positive, i am reminded of all the small actions that make up a revolution…

Each time a man stands up for an ideal, or acts to improve the lot of others, or strikes out against injustice, he sends forth a tiny ripple of hope… and crossing each other from a million different centers of energy and daring those ripples build a current that can sweep down the mightiest walls of oppression and resistance. ~Robert Kennedy

By the way, writing this blog actually made me feel a little bit more grateful and thankful for small kindnesses.

Haiti and Nonprofit Assistance

If most of you are like me these days, since Dec 1 i have been hit up by just about all nonprofits that i like, i support and so forth. It was the end of the year, if i needed a tax write-off, i suppose this would be the time to do it.

As we look at Haiti in shock and horror and as i see record giving… and i am trying to determine which nonprofit to give to – in order to support a mission i believe in, get aid to those in need of it most and give responsibly – i thought i’d share my own thoughts and findings here…

First, nonprofits need money. They need money to function. Usually when a donor gives money, unless otherwise specified, it goes into an “unrestricted funds” pot… This serves a nonprofit well. Most grant money from foundations, corporations, etc come with so many strings attached and documentation, caps on overhead (which pays for facilities and salaries for example) that though the money goes toward paying for good programs in the field… it restricts those who are attempting to facilitate that work. Organizations need someone to coordinate the travel to Haiti – where will that money come from. Who is gathering and packing medical supplies? And facilitate quelling any “fires” that may arise?

My criteria as i begin to look into agencies to donate to Haiti and other major crises:

1. Open overhead costs

There are reasonable and unreasonable amounts of overhead costs… but do note, they exist and i am most leery and suspicious of organizations that attempt to say otherwise – there’s a money smoke and mirrors game that i simply do not trust and if they are not transparent about overhead costs, what else are they not being transparent with?!?! (right now, AmeriCares is on my radar for their “less than 1% overhead” – my assumption, is they will be spending a LOT of time later in the year fundraising to meet their overhead needs – or their overhead is being funded by someone else…) Good, effective, efficient overhead will facilitate good work on the ground.

The American Red Cross took flak after 9/11, when it upgraded its refrigerators after record donations of both blood and cash. Citizens wanted the money to go directly to victims of the attacks. However, was it in the wrong? No. Unrestricted funds allow ARC to build its capacity (new refrigerators allow for more blood donations to be gathered and utilized) Did the ARC spend money on unnecessary items? No. Was it reported? Yes it was. That spending ensures the future of the organization to continue gathering blood donations… With that being said, the American Red Cross has showed more transparency with donations that are earmarked for disasters.

2. Proven track record in disaster response

This is massively important to me. i want to be donating to a nonprofit that has program officers/administrators/volunteers that know how to function in the field. Surrounded by tragedy, will these individuals that we are funding know how to set up and run a shelter? There will always be trial by fire… In the case of Haiti, no one could have anticipated major roadways, airways, ports to be completely shut down… But working with programs that have innovation, we can be reassured that as people are hitting the ground, they are running and have remembered to bring necessary items.

Established charities also know how to deal with the sudden influx of money. I am curious to see how Yele will either flourish or flounder in the face of the tragedy. This is the most attention and funding that this small nonprofit has received to date. I have seen and found that most smaller nonprofits are most wasteful at initial onset of this kind of influx. They have money and resources that they don’t even know how to begin to spend wisely. Personally,  I will wait a year or two – let the growing pains settle in and donate at a time when donor fatigue sets in.

3. Proven track record of fiscal responsibility

Charity Navigator is a good website to look at. They rate larger nonprofits according to their spending. There are still smoke and mirror games that a nonprofit can play to bolster their ratings… but, this website is a good tool to start doing research. Especially when filtering through the legitimate versus non-legitimate nonprofits

With all said and done, what are my organizational recommendations?

• International American Red Cross
• Doctors Without Borders
• United Nations Population Fund

Up and down, to and fro…

*That’s what makes the world go round…* (Sword in the Stone was my favorite Disney movie… a close second, Aladdin – depends on what age you asked me!)

This week been filled with ups and downs, lefts and rights… But the highlights definitely win out. For that I am most grateful to be surrounded by these spectacular people in my life. It makes the insurmountable days feel a little less daunting. You all get love.

Some highlights and lowlights

Highlights

• A potential Puerto Rican or Mexican vacation with some way fun, way awesome friends.
• A Hokie victory at the Chik-Fil-A Bowl
• A boyfriend who is kind, understanding and gives the greatest hugs (he gets hearts <3)
• An Ayn Rand book burning at midnight on New Years Eve
• An epic New Years Eve (that wasn’t elaborate but definitely most fun!)
• Pizza stones

Lowlights

• My uncle passed away
• Not being able to shake this inexplicable exhaustion
• The chemical smell of new carpeting and furniture
• Overpriced Whole Foods salad bar
• Possibly getting sick?

Love actually…. is all around…

“Blessed is the season which engages the whole world in a conspiracy of love.”

~Hamilton Wright Mabie

That is my wish for all of you.

My holiday has gone spectacularly. i am easing back into my work week, shortened by a New Year holiday. My coffee couldn’t look more delightful. i am surrounded by people i love and couldn’t be more grateful and found time to spend with each of them over this holiday.

If 2009 is any forecast of 2010 – there will be obstacles and struggles – but each day will bring its own joy. I am hoping to settle in a bit more in 2010 than I did in 2009. But… i don’t make resolutions, they are too black and white. Then there’s the whole pressure of trying to meet a goal. i take each day, each week, each month as it comes and if a change needs to be made, make it in the bigger picture of my life. Not on some arbitrary date.

Maybe there will be another post prior to the New Year, i’m not sure… regardless… this has been a season engaged in a conspiracy of love (watch out for that love ninja!) Happy [choose your holiday of choice or spiritual affiliation]!

…Solstice is Coming…

Yep. i keep my eye on this date on the calendar. Especially as pressures of the holidays, work, life responsibilities start to pile up. i find it gets harder and harder to get through each day as Christmas approaches. This morning – i laid in bed – waiting for sunlight, a glimmer of hope. And while i got an encouraging back rub, hug and kiss… i couldn’t help to feel the weight of the day that had yet unfolded. The work itself, the to-do lists aren’t unmanageable… But that sunlight never shone through my window. By the time i had arrived to work, there wasn’t any sun… just a slightly less inky black sky as compared to the night. So… i wait and long for Winter Solstice. i know, if i can get to that date, if i can keep on keeping on… we will hit that darkest day of the year – and each new day brings a little bit more light and a little bit more hope.

And with that… A winter poem i received last year in honor of solstice:

Sweet Darkness

When your eyes are tired
the world is tired also.

When your vision has gone
no part of the world can find you.

Time to go into the dark
where the night has eyes
to recognize its own.

There you can be sure
you are not beyond love.

The dark will be your womb
tonight.

The night will give you a horizon
further than you can see.

You must learn one thing.
The world was made to be free in.

Give up all the other worlds
except the one to which you belong.

Sometimes it takes darkness and the sweet
confinement of your aloneness
to learn

anything or anyone
that does not bring you alive

is too small for you.

–David Whyte, from House of Belonging and River Flow

i drifted through 2009…

i ran across a quote from the wisest fictional six-year old imp i’ve ever followed…

we’re so busy watching out for what’s just ahead of us that we don’t take time to enjoy where we are.

~Calvin, Calvin & Hobbes

i rediscovered it on Tuesday and tried to find the source comic but time wouldn’t allow for it. But it left me sad, resigned and thinking about all the planning, negotiating, packing, unpacking, list-making and stressing i do on a daily basis. There isn’t much i do on a daily basis that doesn’t require a lot of coordination. i spend a lot of time and energy looking ahead.

There have been some spectacular moments of the year. But when i really look at where my time went this year… it was in these negotiations and compromises. It was in the coordinating and wrangling. Questions without answers only leave me feeling more undefined and rootless and only give me more chances to renegotiate all those to-dos with my self and create contingencies upon contingencies…

The winter brings me down anyways and when i’ve wasted a lot of energy and sunlight on waiting and looking ahead, there is little joy in the present. The wasted time due to failed executions… i have frittered away my year on planning the next steps to just get through the current hour, day,  week, or month. And when i’m done with each step of preparation, what else is there to do but resign yourself to sleep?!?! Gotta be well-rested to get through each step as patiently as possible…

i think i’m a bad fit in Seattle… There’s something lacking in this city’s ability to plan… Everything just feels so “wing it” and that leaves me feeling sick inside. Being late to me is disrespectful. But equally disrespectful to me is the silence and “maybe’s” If it wasn’t for being on a career path that i’ve worked insanely hard to get to… i don’t know how much longer i would be here…

And since i couldn’t find the comic i wanted… enjoy this chilly Calvin…

flashbacks

There was a manhunt in Seattle this week. Maurice Clemmons shot four police officers in a coffee shop in Lakewood (not far from Seattle) on Sunday morning. One officer managed to get a shot off and into his gut. However, he was on the lam until early Tuesday morning. What proceeded there is the similar amount of chaos that I am all too familiar with. First Fort Hood and then this.

I held my breath as I saw there was a standoff in the Central District (not too far from Capitol Hill) I nearly became ill when I realized my bus had not showed up from the University District because cops had possibly surrounded it (if not that bus, cops were swarming the area and my bus never showed)

I know I left Virginia Tech in 2005 but the 2006-2007 academic year still hits too close to me. Still leaves me breathless, choked up and achy all over. Maurice Clemmons left me with the same rattled feeling all over when I first heard about Will Morva; heard about his escape from jail, his shooting an unarmed security guard in the face… and remembering him sitting in the passenger seat of my car because he was someone I talked to on a regular basis, we had coffee, beer, etc together. He was a person who hung out in our regular circles… He’s now on death row. I remember what it felt like when my great aunt couldn’t get to the same hospital her husband was in… because this breakout actually occurred on the first floor and the assisted living facility she was in was under lock down. (The police officials thought he might be in the nearby woods) The first day of Virginia Tech’s classes were in lockdown (a sidenote: I am a bit appalled that University of Washington didn’t lock down their campuses after all the horrors that have been said and done). An ominous sign of things to come… The local Blacksburg restaurants (some of my favorite institutions) were closed – in fear that he may attempt to show up there. Something about the Maurice Clemmons hunt that was all too familiar again.

The Fort Hood shootings were all too familiar. This sense of “not again” just bubbled up inside of me. The Virginia Tech comments, the fact that he graduated from the same department as I did most of my undergraduate career in, my interest in religious fundamentalist movements. I simply wept for there were no words I could express what I was feeling inside.

There’s too much familiarity in tragedy for me.

I am left feeling a little uneasy, a little more distrustful… A little more apprehensive all over again…Violence should never be familiar in our society.

I’m a sucker for Thanksgiving…

It is fall and the time for all things autumnal fill my mind along with those crunchy leaves and warm spices…Thanksgiving is fast approaching and I am feeling grateful. Grateful to be employed, for great friends, a warm apartment, fantastic family and the list goes on and on.

Anyone who knows me for half a second knows my love of cooking. Thanksgiving is the mother of this cooking holiday. I’ve been doing Thanksgiving dinner for 12 years now in many forms and variations… and assisting as much as possible for even longer… When it comes to art in my life, I am too precise to be much more than a good technical person – I can develop things that are aesthetically respectable (usually symmetrical or with a very intentioned asymmetry) Things come out very tidy looking (flyers for example). However, I feel like I miss that little bit of extra creative flair. But not when I am cooking. I am much more fly by the seat of my pants, blending what seems right together – glancing at recipes and modifying according to what I want or whatever color or smells may happen to inspire me at that moment.

I never shut off. I’m constantly creating and it can always be better. There’s room for growth, improvement, and in my mind, fun. I get my hands dirty, get to trash my kitchen (only to clean it again) and at the end of very venture, there is a finished product. It is my comforting activity.

Thanksgiving is rapidly approaching and my menu is set (I’m sure there will be last minute modifications): Salmon in an orange maple glaze, butternut squash spaetzle (modified from Serious Eats), balsamic green beans, sweet potato casserole, mashed potatoes, mushroom gravy, ginger-orange cranberry sauce, dinner rolls, baklava and a pumpkin cheesecake with gingersnap crust. I’ve had fun putting this menu together, I have had fun shopping for the food (cringing a little when the grocery bill showed up!). The Boy has nodded and smiled and in general a good sport about the planning, the fretting, the shopping, supporting, sherpa-ing. As prep work gets underway, he will smile and entertain himself with either the Wii, his upcoming laptop battle pieces, or whatever inspiration may strike… But as he has quickly learned – other than moral support, occasional hug and kiss, and garbage detail – just kinda stays out of the way (It really is a small kitchen… it is good for the health of relationship)

Just sharing my excitement… Post-gorging activities will include Wii and wine. May your holiday be filled with friends, family and just plain ol’ fun. The butternut squash has been roasted, the yams cooked… much prep still left to happen.

Good grief.

Most days, I feel like Charlie Brown getting ready to kick the football. I get a good running start, the go-ahead and then Lucy pulls the ball from under my feet.

And yet again, I’m surprised.

this time of year…

i always get this way this time of year. The daylight is significantly shorter and i am significantly sadder. The holidays only seem to bring out the crazy, mean, selfish parts of people. i see them pushing and shoving to try and get what they want. i tend to hate crowded spaces and it only gets worse at the holiday season.  i feel lonelier and more isolated by the world.

i have no solidified plans right now except a family gather the day after Thanksgiving. Everything this in flux – Thanksgiving Day, the whole Christmas holiday. Flux only makes me sadder, more depressed, overwhelmed and scared. There’s a lot to do between now and then and i have no clue what my obligations are.

In general, this year is especially hard because as i look out on the horizon, i see no change – and low potential that things are going to get better. No major changes to look forward to – especially in my personal life.

It just looks grey, cloudy and rainy – much like the weather forecast.