Institution of Marriage

…now i’m just annoyed with Maine… this is disgusting that we can’t keep same sex marriage laws on the books.

Please note, in this blog post, i use “we” royally – referring to Americans, in general. No particular party, religious affiliation, etc

We, straight people can’t even get marriage right – a t least in the American sense of the word… Why should we be the ones dictating the right to same-sex couples? We are unique and Western in our views and notions of boy meets girl (or boy), falls in love, and come-what-may/happy-ever-after – you’ve got a partner for life, someone whose foot isn’t out the door if everything goes wrong (something that is extremely important to me… i have abandonment issues, i suppose)

What goes wrong then with us Americans? I mean, we already have a 50% failure rate (or 50% success rate depending on how you want to look at it!) The infatuation part fades (especially after the first 18 months – 2 years, all those “in love” pheromones fade) – and what’s left after that determines everything. I’m definitely a proponent of living it up at the first section – because you’ll never get that time back, but I digress. So… we have a system that we get to choose our partners. And when things do go tragically wrong (and I don’t think divorce is something that is chosen lightly – but i feel the same way about marriage), we have a system of no-fault divorce and we use it.

When no-fault divorce was being enacted, we heard a lot of the same arguments about protecting the institution of marriage. How no-fault divorce would only weaken the institution and marriage would be taken lightly. Vegas does still exist, as does Gaitlinburg and any other town that thrives on the shotgun wedding institution. On the other hand, we are becoming more cautious about marriage. The number of children born out of wedlock is dramatically on the rise. We marry out of necessity less and less. We are more likely to cohabitat, fornicate and so forth instead of getting married immediately.  We demand faithfulness and monogamy. This is our Western privilege. Much of the world still views marriage as a pre-ordained, business transaction.

We don’t get married out of biological necessity anymore. We may over financial necessity and betterment – but we have more options than we used to. We get married because we choose to. We love each other and commit to each other and we really do try. Without the same kinds of obligatory bindings holding us together, things change. I really do want to do it right when I finally get there – but for now, I know I don’t have to fall within previous generations of martial pressures. And what will drive me to marriage, drives same sex couples to marriage: love, determination, partnership – not a family, finances, and gender expectations.

So what right do we have to determine who gets married? We had this debate with interracial marriage. And how was it solved? Through legislation and finally, a Supreme Court decision (Loving v. Virginia) Even recently, we have heard from one individual who attempted to deny a couple the right to an interracial marriage. I’m sure there are people in the South who still think that Justice of the Peace was right. (I say this with absolute disgust that he even thought he had the right to deny a marriage!) By the time the Supreme Court had overturned any anti-miscegenation laws, 16 states still had these laws in place. I’m sure a popular vote would not have come very easily in 1967.

At this rate, I’m sick of seeing gay marriage on the ballot. I’m sick of it not succeeding. Its time for bigger, more permanent action take place. Let’s start with repealing DOMA and damn it, I want to see the Supreme Court overturn all laws that will not allow same sex couples to enjoy the same benefits as heterosexual marriages. After all, they are doing it for the same reasons.

P.S. Congrats to Washington for approving Ref. 71 – protecting the civil unions for same sex couples.

 

Election Day

It’s election day folks. Get out and vote! Or if you are in Washington, mail in your vote!

This is your non-partisan public service announcement for the day.

 

 

 

I love Election Day. It is my Christmas.

Happy Birthday…

Today would have been my grandmother’s 85th birthday. I miss her more than words could ever explain. She was the central figure who raised me from the age of 10 and onward. Before she got overly ill and incoherent, we had made a lot of peace with a lot of things and had steadily become closer and closer.

I don’t think she would understand many of the life choices I or my sister have made… spanning from the little day-to-day stuff and the big stuff. But I hope she would be proud nonetheless.

what it takes?

so, i was given this quote today… at the height of my autumnal funk that kicks in through christmas. i somehow missed it last year… so… this past tuesday, i got a punch in the face that has left me doubly heartsick…

there’s hope for me yet?

A longing for love and approval. That’s the dirty little secret of success.

Yes, you must make something people want. Of course, you must improve and extend it. Certainly, you must give 110% where customer satisfaction is concerned. Definitely, you must convert your customers to evangelists. All of that is true, always has been and will be.

BUT.

But you won’t be able to do those things, not really, not all the way, not as they must be done, unless there is a brokenness in you that continually craves attention and affection you somehow missed out on.

You have to have been abandoned, betrayed, ridiculed, unsupported at some point when you needed it most.

This sounds terrible and it is. But it’s the facts.

A contented person with a whole heart, who has never doubted for a moment that she is loved by God and the universe, should not bother trying to succeed as a creative entrepreneur. She should get a job working for someone else, turn it off at 6:00 PM, and come home to the people who love her.

Only a restless, broken heart can drive you to do what is necessary.

And that’s how to succeed in business without really crying.

~Jeffrey Zeldman

Seven thoughts a-leapin’

1. Obama’s Nobel Peace Prize

About time i commented, eh? i had a deadline and a relatively full social calendar… It may be premature, i do believe there were more worthy candidates this year but i won’t deny the additional hope that was instilled, the same hope that fizzled the day after inauguration when Republicans started throwing tantrums and Democrats bent over and took it without lube. (…and there’s my un-PC comment of the day…) The hope that many Americans felt the day Obama was elected, the tone he set for the rest of the world were among the reasons cited for the award. It isn’t the first time the Nobel Peace Prize was given to help push a global agenda along (see Mikael Gorbachev, 1990) but the onus is on President Obama to deliver on that promise.

A humorous quote being circulated around comes from the State Department:

Certainly from our standpoint, this gives us a sense of momentum — when the United States has accolades tossed its way, rather than shoes.

2. Reduction in Hours

It is worth mentioning – but in the past few days, my heart, love and all my excess affection goes towards my Superhero who unfortunately had his hours reduced by 25%. Working with the Giagantocorps as a contractor – it is a blow. He is taking it like a champ and comparatively, taking it better than my recent laid off stint. Lots of stuff to still be figured out but just want to reiterate, I’m there if ya need it, Doll.

3. Bus Stress

A question posed to all you. Does catching the bus stress you out?  This is my main means of transportation and that’s quite fine with me. Work pays for my bus pass, essentially by not driving/owning a car, i eliminate all transportation costs (with the exception of the occasional tank of gas to the Dyl-meister for the little bit of schlepping he does). However, every morning and every evening, i feel as if I go through two emotions, i am either on time or 15 minutes late. i am only on-time when i finally get on the bus. When walking to get to the bus, i am consistently stressed that i am running late (even if i am running early – running early means i can catch an earlier bus – unless i miss it – and then… i’m late) and i hate being late. Punctuality is very important to me and i often see it as a sign of disrespect when people are late (though i’m much less hard on people for that these days…) But making it on time makes me nearly as stressed out as traffic does…

To add the very large people oblivious to the amount of space they are taking, bus drivers who go barreling down the street and then attempt to brake on a dime, and the in general crazy/homeless people on the bus… i can’t relax!

4. Missing music and  up-coming shows

So… we are missing the Grizzly Bear and Sunny Day Real Estate shows. They could have been good… Both tonight and i’m a little bummed, not only at the fact that Seattle would force its residents to CHOOSE but… apparently, we ended up choosing neither. D’oh! And, Ben Folds with the Seattle Symphony isn’t going to happen either. *sighs*

On the plus side, Girlyman is coming to town on Oct 29 to the Tractor Tavern. My Hokie fans will say but wait, “Virginia Tech has a football game on Thursday, Oct 29 against UNC” But… i got this covered! The football game starts at 4:30 and the Girlyman show starts at 8 pm. People’s Pub has Virginia Tech game showings and the Tractor Tavern is a mere couple blocks away. All this with my cutie and life is good.

And a little Girlyman love for all of you from an Albuquerque show… Oh hell yes.

5. Hokie Football and missing Autumn

And if you haven’t gathered by now, my shameless addiction to Virginia Tech football. I am thankful for the alumni association and Virginia Tech viewing parties that have only further enabled my addiction and brought back so many memories of football. i haven’t been to a football game in too many years and i miss it dearly.

Not only that, i miss East Coast autumns and Southern humidity. My skin is itchy and dry because Seattle is the driest, wet town i have ever lived in. My skin hates me right now. But what I really miss is the trees, the vibrant colors and the escapes to the Blue Ridge Parkway or the Jefferson National Park on a moment’s whim (and still be able to return within the hour). It just isn’t the same once you cross the Blue Ridge Mountains (part of the greater Appalachian Mountain range) – and all the music that is associated with that region. There just isn’t enough pure bluegrass music to be found. Or the truth in the jazz and blues found in New Orleans. Quite frankly, I’m not sold on the music scene in Seattle. I haven’t seen enough that I truly enjoy. I can have a few drinks, have some fun… but… it doesn’t move me to the core. But maybe, i spend too much time in the wrong venues.

6. Things i’m not worked up about: Where the Wild Things Are (i’ll still probably watch it eventually – i’ve got an excited boy in the wings which makes it a bit more charming…), H1N1, flu shots, Glee, apartment shopping, moving my belongings every 4 days, declining hours of sunlight, poorly insulated apartments, wearing closed toe shoes, being so homesick for the East Coast it hurts

7. Things i am full of bubbly excitement over: my new Wii, Dylan, my television rotation (downloaded a few days late but include: Top Chef, Project Runway, Mad Men,  30 Rock, and the Office), Ken Burn’s National Park documentary series, autumnal flavors (butternut squash, pumpkin, nutmeg, apples), moving to a bigger apartment (once we find one!), Girlyman, coffee, red wine, Swedish aquavit, Hokie football and all traditions that go with it including tailgating, beer, West Coast Irish Coffee (hey if a game starts at 9 am, what else are you going to do?!?!) the gobble, Enter Sandman, key plays, Stick It In cheers, the Hokie Pokie, my new queen bed, hats since only non-natives carry umbrellas, Canadian Thanksgiving, mocking the idiocy of video games but then being addicted to them myself (i.e. Animal Crossing), Smart Wool socks

A Toast to Memories….

So, its the day before my birthday and i have a cold. not epic death style. Just snotty, red-nosed, fuzzy head style. it won’t kill me (famous last words?) but it leaves me reflective. maybe it is the autumn chill in the air, the missing some people so much it hurts, and the reminders that have arisen over the past few days…

My maternal Granddad died just a couple days after my birthday… and yes, its been 11 years now… but his legacy lives on. There was a short 3 year stint where i lost my closest family relatives. but that year, it was a blow and becomes a blur in all the details of that week.

I don’t remember how the whole week started, but there are pieces that stand out. My birthday itself, first, was a packed day and I distinctly remember not getting home until 8 pm – I’m not a fan of overpacked schedule so I remember this was going to be a taxing day. I remember the Matthew Shepard story breaking (he had been attacked the night of the 6th/7th) and being sad – but having to stay quiet… Southerners and all… but I remember having conversations with friends… I remember walking home and talking to my very ill paternal Grandmother – who had been in a lot of pain from what she thought was gout (this turned out to be a severely wrong diagnosis which would put a strain on our whole family for the next couple years and still breaks my heart) I also remember her outright forgetting what day it was and how crushed my teenage heart felt. She trusted me so completely at time I often felt like an afterthought. (I think sometimes for the reason I sometimes demand attention!) I think of her now, while I have this cold… I can hear her saying “its your own damn fault for getting sick. that is what you get for showering every morning, going out with a wet head, not wearing a hat or buttoning up your sweater. Don’t think I feel sorry for you” Though, when I would be coughing all night in my sleep, she would bring me cough medicine or make me tea. She would still push me out the door to school and all my obligations, but I saw those small gestures as a sign of her sympathy and well-wishes.

Anyways, the night and the week wrapped up relatively anti-climatic. It was homecoming week, I was a senior, and part of the homecoming parade committee. I celebrated my best friend’s 18th birthday, worked on the float some more and had planned on wrapping up the week with the parade, SATs, and a homecoming dance. Still haunted by last years memory…

A digression: While working on the homecoming float the day of the parade in the previous year, my grandmother walked in, looking as lost as possible because she had just found out her baby brother had died. She didn’t know what to do or where to go, so she just showed up at my school. To this day, the expression on her face at that moment, still breaks my heart.

My sister walks into the school. Literally standing at the same spot, while I am running the exact same types of tasks, breaks the news to me. Very suddenly and very unexpectedly, my maternal Granddad had passed away.  I had been very close to him. He was the one to teach me to read, he and I bonded over the most random things. I would ask questions and he would tell stories. As I got a bit older, I remember having many philosophical conversations with him. He was logical, witty, protective, cared immensely about his family and loving. Always kept a good spirit about himself, brought joy and laughter everywhere he went and loved his wife more than anybody else. His last words were to her. I love you, hun. Right there, in his living room. He just woke up in the middle of the night, walked up to my Granny’s chair, sat down in her chair with my baby blanket wrapped around his shoulders and said, I love you, hun. They were married 59 years, had 9 children and an immense amount of grandkids and great-grandkids.

I miss all my grandparents but this time of year just really emphasizes those particular losses… and apparently, I am in a story telling mood. Thus writing this story on my blog.

So this birthday, I am kicking myself for having a cold to deal with. I’m hearing my Grandmother fuss at me in my head… That was her way of showing worry and concern.  Having been in touch with family members this week I haven’t seen since my Grandad’s funeral… my thoughts go to him and the great love he had. They never said those words too much and every night, they would say to each other GoodnightSleeptightIloveyou.

New Job update

So… A common question i have been receiving and happily answer:

How’s the new job? My dear blog readers, i’m sure you gathered i was unemployed for four months before receiving an offer and it took 9 days to get started… But now, i’ve been at it for 3 weeks… and can pretty accurately answer this question.

i love it.

it fulfills me. it meets many of the things i want to do and takes me in the direction i want to be working in. the job is part of a continuum – not a standstill and this makes me happier than i could ever imagine. Is it tedious at times? yes. Is it hard work? absolutely.

But compared to my last nightmare of a job – that attempted to portray itself as “spiritual” yet held a double standard even within itself – really i couldn’t have imagined a better place for me. The last job i held had a boss that was verbally abusive and manipulative. She may have never said anything outright “mean” but she used abusive tactics to coerce and manipulate individuals powereless… telling us we better be grateful for the jobs we do have when the economy is hard… and how she was a *great* boss – even though she called us all liars.  nevermind i was grossly underpaid… nor would the benefits coverage that i got laid off before i could start collecting – wasn’t even hardly enough to cover the most basic health insurance plan. Nor was i ever compensated for working 50+ hour weeks, 12 days in a row with no comp time or working lunch – since we were required to eat as a group and discuss work-related topics. let’s not add the we were required to pray each meeting – even though my views on god are shaky at best.

Everyone would talk to me about Seattle culture and i didn’t even have the remotest taste of it in the work world. And all of a sudden, i am flooded with it. and i love it. i love the fact that as a salaried employee at this firm – leaving the occasional 15 minutes early is acceptable, taking a half-hour lunch on my own terms – when i am hungry and ready for that break (or a whole hour if i choose to). the pay raise will be nice, as are the much more comprehensive benefits! as will being able to work in a truly professional environment – not out of a few bedrooms in a convent – where nuns feel okay walking into offices in bathrobes…

i have lots of room for advancement here and the training opportunities to actually prepare myself and training has already begun but in addition, i have the opportunity to just jump straight in and figure out what questions i do have.

my wardrobe is fully appropriate for the job – so with the modifications i would have made anyways… my coworkers are fantastic. and yes, while i will be swearing at blue screens of death, tedious data entry from time to time and the like… i know i’m happy to have those stressors in my life and that i’m doing it all for a good purpose.

(i have intentionally left out locations of work… if you want to know where either location is, feel free to get a hold of me individually. most readers i assume know who i am )

Are we really this individualistic?

i’ve been thinking about networks… How to make them, how to maintain them and form real connections with people. Really, networks and loneliness. i’m struck that as Americans, we are lonely people. Ever since i left the institution i call church… it has been a new set of challenges to make and maintain connections of people that i wouldn’t have the opportunity to interact with. i joined a few networks once i moved to Seattle. In a city, there seem to be people who have some things in common with you. But i really struggled with this when i lived in more rural areas. But… its work. its hard finding people i like as opposed to those i hang out with just because there is nothing better to do. and… i have friends and family that i care intensely for here. i just can’t imagine not having the support structure that i do have.

it just makes me wonder, what is wrong with America? How have we become a society of such distrust? We can’t even talk to each other when going out on our day to day journeys. To the point, we can’t even fathom helping our fellow American out who may not have health insurance. I just watched Sicko by Michael Moore (and yes, i recognize that there are some serious flaws in his reporting/style/etc) but he got a lot of things pretty factually correct. (Today is not about a movie review) But what stood out was the elderly Canadian man pointing out, “Why wouldn’t we do this for each other?” He considers himself part of the their Conservative party.

Ultimately, i’ve made it no secret that i am for health care reform. But what i don’t understand is, we’ve all heard the stories – from our friends, family, acquaintances about the failings of the system. People afraid to get sick, do anything due to lack of health insurance. Do we really not care about the greater good of our country? Do we want to fix the broken system? The numbers have consistently said yes for over 15 years. However, once you put a partisan face on – somehow the idea becomes villianized. Hillary the psycho bitch. Obama is now Hitler/Stalin/Lenin/Castro all rolled into one?

My notes for small government Republicans: If the Democrats don’t have a solution, come up with your own! Fight for it. Don’t hope that this will disappear again. We can’t afford that. i love my family, friends, network acquaintances that i really don’t like that much too much to see them lose coverage, go bankrupt or die due to health related issues. To the Democrats, if we are going to lose this battle, go down fighting. Make the Republicans filibuster if they have to, not just the threat… It is too important to roll over on.

Let’s try to do right by each other and think about the bigger picture. More health care related posts upcoming…

Scattered Treasures, Mine and Yours

So this week, i scored a huge find from my back alley: an in shape mattress and box spring. i’ve been wanting a bigger bed – as i was rocking the twin bed and boyfriend was being as gracious as he possibly could, sharing a much too small bed multiple times a week…

i moved to Seattle with no furniture to my name and have been slowly piecing together my apartment with MY furniture. i had friends gracious enough to loan me key pieces until i could find my own replacements… and slowly have had success doing so. The bed was the last major piece. No stains, it didn’t sag, and though simple, very comfortable.

The point of this blog: i do have one… my neighbor who had scoped out this find and i went excitedly to retrieve this find. while manipulating the mattress in the alley (while leaving the box spring behind) i saw an older woman, clearly disheveled and her cart of odds and ends hanging in the alley, a woman who fits many stereotypes of homelessness (probably not only in Seattle but in many urban settings in the United States) As we began the process of moving this mattress through the alley, we see her scamper towards my treasured find.

i felt defensive, angry, and fearful that she was going to try and hustle me for the same finderskeeperslosersweepers piece. i know i wasn’t the only to have this reaction, as the person helping me made a comment very similar to rush of blood i was feeling. we dropped off the mattress in front of my door and proceeded to make a move for the box spring. it was left untouched. instead of making a run for the box spring, she was headed for the dumpster right behind my treasured find.

the competitiveness and anger i felt has now been immediately replaced with a lingering since of guilt and questioning. thoughts that haven’t left my head. was she initially hiding out of shame? did our scavenging near the dumpster area give her the sense of similar entitlement? where are the seattle benefits throughout the day? what do homeless individuals do throughout the day? there are many who are working extremely hard to get back on their feet. i see those folks working with Real Change on a daily basis, selling their newsletters for a dollar… (they buy the newsletters for 35 cents and the rest of the proceeds go towards helping that very individual… you see where the money is going)  Outside of that, i just don’t know. i can’t even fathom the life roadblocks that must have occurred to put people in such difficult situations.

Daily, i see panhandlers and see and hear consistent “spare any change” sort of comments. Often they are funny, witty, clever. This one time, someone got a hold of a Cookie Monster costume… There’s a lot of ways they appeal straight to the heartstrings: having a dog with them, a sad sign, or just by being kind. every time i walk by, i spend much time afterwards reflecting and in a sense, regaining my composure. i often don’t have any change on me… and i know it wouldn’t take much for most of us to get to a destitute place. one traumatic event.

just some thoughts for this cold and rainy Sunday. i hope that woman has found a warm, dry place to spend her day…

Reflections of a Storm, 4 years later…

if you are reading my blog, i am  going to assume, you lived through the costliest and one of the most deadliest hurricanes to ever have hit the United States.  i feel privileged enough to have served with AmeriCorps through this tragedy – as it gave me several opportunities to serve the Gulf Coast region: first with American Red Cross fundraising and preparations for potential evacuees in South Dakota (they ended up not sending any evacuees there), taking a group of students to New Orleans gutting, working with students, listening to community members share their stories…

i joined AmeriCorps NCCC to serve primarily in the Gulf Coast and served in both Biloxi, MS working with the schools there and lived in St Bernard Parish – assisting with rebuilding of the Upper 9th Ward during the Jimmy & Roslynn Carter build, education events, at the animal shelter, my stories go on and on but pale in comparison to the stories i heard while there. AmeriCorps is a recognizable force in the Gulf Coast. i have heard from countless sources that they are one of the few non-failing resources that the federal government provided the Gulf with. Volunteers. But everytime i put on my AmeriCorps uniform, i was in shock and awe how many people wanted to speak with me and share my story. i think of the children who talked to us about waiting in the SuperDome – talking about being hungry, not having food or water… and how slowly time passed while they were there, those that watched family members get murdered in their presence. the children who moved countless times and are behind in their reading and math skills because they spent two years of their lives in transit. i think about the father in Mississippi who told be about watching the tidal wave come in that destroyed his house, how he was sheltering a newborn infant at the time. i think about Miss Marguerite – who lost everything – her extended family all lived with her on the same block in New Orleans (who have left or died) – living in a FEMA trailer, bringing volunteers bottled water on a daily basis – even though she didn’t qualify for a Habitat home, providing AmeriCorps members with crawfish every Wednesday for lunch. i think about Dr. Bryan Bertucci who continues to serve in Chalmette (in St Bernard Parish) – unwilling to leave while Katrina rolled in – assisting with patients, trying to get St. Rita’s to evacuate – and ultimately, restarting his practice out of trailers because St Bernard Parish needs doctors – instead of leaving for a more lucrative career as many doctors have done.

The thing that moved me so deeply and still does to this day are these stories and so many more. There is so much work yet to be done and yet, i am thankful for every individual chose to contribute to this work in whatever manner possible. Don’t give up on the city yet, there’s a resilience here that is beyond my comprehension and still needs as much help as it can get.

And for additional information, I strongly recommend:

Lost in Katrina by Mikel Schaefer

Its a wonderful synopsis of the events in St Bernard Parish (St Bernard Parish lies southeast of New Orleans, every structure in this parish saw damage due to the storm… neighborhoods are ghost towns… ) He pulls together many of the stories individuals in the parish as the storm passes. I was reading this book on my commute from the parish to the Upper 9th Ward – passing the landmarks just as he outlined them. Haunting.

When the Levees Broke: A Requiem in 4 Acts dir Spike Lee

There is no doubting the mass tragedy while watching this film. A great overview of what happened, putting faces and emotion to the mass chaos of it all. i have watched this several times. Each time more powerful than the last. But again, each time, i carry something more personal when i watched it.

Come Hell or High Water: Hurricane Katrina and the Color of Disaster by Michael Dyson

Did you love When the Levees Broke? This is very similar. Laid out very similarly – but still chock full of interesting information. The last chapter of this book was the most valuable part of this book: laying out what is important to New Orleanians, how and why this city will shine again.

Okay, got enough information? Wanna help? Wanna donate money?

These are the causes after my own heart and i’ve seen the money get put to great use.

St Bernard Project

Why am i so impressed with this project? the money gets put to good use – they are revamping already existing homes and rendering them habitable again. The focus is in the St Bernard Parish, where 100% of all structures saw damage due to the storm and 97% 0f them were unlivable afterward. The co-founder, Liz McCartney was named CNN’s Hero of the Year 2008.

New Orleans Area Habitat for Humanity

NOLA H4H doesn’t do as much revitalizing existing structures as it does building new homes and communities. But let me say, these homes are cost  effective and STRONG. Designed to withstand Category 5 hurricanes. In addition, homeowners put in their own “sweat equity” – H4H homes built prior to the storm survived Hurricane Katrina and most of the homeowners were able to do all their own repairs (empowered from their sweat equity) and was able to use insurance settlements to pay off their mortgages. Not only do they assist families gaining homes but it is community by design. Musicians Village is a stunning example of this…