i ran across a quote from the wisest fictional six-year old imp i’ve ever followed…
we’re so busy watching out for what’s just ahead of us that we don’t take time to enjoy where we are.
~Calvin, Calvin & Hobbes
i rediscovered it on Tuesday and tried to find the source comic but time wouldn’t allow for it. But it left me sad, resigned and thinking about all the planning, negotiating, packing, unpacking, list-making and stressing i do on a daily basis. There isn’t much i do on a daily basis that doesn’t require a lot of coordination. i spend a lot of time and energy looking ahead.
There have been some spectacular moments of the year. But when i really look at where my time went this year… it was in these negotiations and compromises. It was in the coordinating and wrangling. Questions without answers only leave me feeling more undefined and rootless and only give me more chances to renegotiate all those to-dos with my self and create contingencies upon contingencies…
The winter brings me down anyways and when i’ve wasted a lot of energy and sunlight on waiting and looking ahead, there is little joy in the present. The wasted time due to failed executions… i have frittered away my year on planning the next steps to just get through the current hour, day, week, or month. And when i’m done with each step of preparation, what else is there to do but resign yourself to sleep?!?! Gotta be well-rested to get through each step as patiently as possible…
i think i’m a bad fit in Seattle… There’s something lacking in this city’s ability to plan… Everything just feels so “wing it” and that leaves me feeling sick inside. Being late to me is disrespectful. But equally disrespectful to me is the silence and “maybe’s” If it wasn’t for being on a career path that i’ve worked insanely hard to get to… i don’t know how much longer i would be here…
And since i couldn’t find the comic i wanted… enjoy this chilly Calvin…
There was a manhunt in Seattle this week. Maurice Clemmons shot four police officers in a coffee shop in Lakewood (not far from Seattle) on Sunday morning. One officer managed to get a shot off and into his gut. However, he was on the lam until early Tuesday morning. What proceeded there is the similar amount of chaos that I am all too familiar with. First Fort Hood and then this.
I held my breath as I saw there was a standoff in the Central District (not too far from Capitol Hill) I nearly became ill when I realized my bus had not showed up from the University District because cops had possibly surrounded it (if not that bus, cops were swarming the area and my bus never showed)
I know I left Virginia Tech in 2005 but the 2006-2007 academic year still hits too close to me. Still leaves me breathless, choked up and achy all over. Maurice Clemmons left me with the same rattled feeling all over when I first heard about Will Morva; heard about his escape from jail, his shooting an unarmed security guard in the face… and remembering him sitting in the passenger seat of my car because he was someone I talked to on a regular basis, we had coffee, beer, etc together. He was a person who hung out in our regular circles… He’s now on death row. I remember what it felt like when my great aunt couldn’t get to the same hospital her husband was in… because this breakout actually occurred on the first floor and the assisted living facility she was in was under lock down. (The police officials thought he might be in the nearby woods) The first day of Virginia Tech’s classes were in lockdown (a sidenote: I am a bit appalled that University of Washington didn’t lock down their campuses after all the horrors that have been said and done). An ominous sign of things to come… The local Blacksburg restaurants (some of my favorite institutions) were closed – in fear that he may attempt to show up there. Something about the Maurice Clemmons hunt that was all too familiar again.
The Fort Hood shootings were all too familiar. This sense of “not again” just bubbled up inside of me. The Virginia Tech comments, the fact that he graduated from the same department as I did most of my undergraduate career in, my interest in religious fundamentalist movements. I simply wept for there were no words I could express what I was feeling inside.
There’s too much familiarity in tragedy for me.
I am left feeling a little uneasy, a little more distrustful… A little more apprehensive all over again…Violence should never be familiar in our society.
It is fall and the time for all things autumnal fill my mind along with those crunchy leaves and warm spices…Thanksgiving is fast approaching and I am feeling grateful. Grateful to be employed, for great friends, a warm apartment, fantastic family and the list goes on and on.
Anyone who knows me for half a second knows my love of cooking. Thanksgiving is the mother of this cooking holiday. I’ve been doing Thanksgiving dinner for 12 years now in many forms and variations… and assisting as much as possible for even longer… When it comes to art in my life, I am too precise to be much more than a good technical person – I can develop things that are aesthetically respectable (usually symmetrical or with a very intentioned asymmetry) Things come out very tidy looking (flyers for example). However, I feel like I miss that little bit of extra creative flair. But not when I am cooking. I am much more fly by the seat of my pants, blending what seems right together – glancing at recipes and modifying according to what I want or whatever color or smells may happen to inspire me at that moment.
I never shut off. I’m constantly creating and it can always be better. There’s room for growth, improvement, and in my mind, fun. I get my hands dirty, get to trash my kitchen (only to clean it again) and at the end of very venture, there is a finished product. It is my comforting activity.
Thanksgiving is rapidly approaching and my menu is set (I’m sure there will be last minute modifications): Salmon in an orange maple glaze, butternut squash spaetzle (modified from Serious Eats), balsamic green beans, sweet potato casserole, mashed potatoes, mushroom gravy, ginger-orange cranberry sauce, dinner rolls, baklava and a pumpkin cheesecake with gingersnap crust. I’ve had fun putting this menu together, I have had fun shopping for the food (cringing a little when the grocery bill showed up!). The Boy has nodded and smiled and in general a good sport about the planning, the fretting, the shopping, supporting, sherpa-ing. As prep work gets underway, he will smile and entertain himself with either the Wii, his upcoming laptop battle pieces, or whatever inspiration may strike… But as he has quickly learned – other than moral support, occasional hug and kiss, and garbage detail – just kinda stays out of the way (It really is a small kitchen… it is good for the health of relationship)
Just sharing my excitement… Post-gorging activities will include Wii and wine. May your holiday be filled with friends, family and just plain ol’ fun. The butternut squash has been roasted, the yams cooked… much prep still left to happen.
Most days, I feel like Charlie Brown getting ready to kick the football. I get a good running start, the go-ahead and then Lucy pulls the ball from under my feet.
i always get this way this time of year. The daylight is significantly shorter and i am significantly sadder. The holidays only seem to bring out the crazy, mean, selfish parts of people. i see them pushing and shoving to try and get what they want. i tend to hate crowded spaces and it only gets worse at the holiday season. i feel lonelier and more isolated by the world.
i have no solidified plans right now except a family gather the day after Thanksgiving. Everything this in flux – Thanksgiving Day, the whole Christmas holiday. Flux only makes me sadder, more depressed, overwhelmed and scared. There’s a lot to do between now and then and i have no clue what my obligations are.
In general, this year is especially hard because as i look out on the horizon, i see no change – and low potential that things are going to get better. No major changes to look forward to – especially in my personal life.
It just looks grey, cloudy and rainy – much like the weather forecast.
…now i’m just annoyed with Maine… this is disgusting that we can’t keep same sex marriage laws on the books.
Please note, in this blog post, i use “we” royally – referring to Americans, in general. No particular party, religious affiliation, etc
We, straight people can’t even get marriage right – a t least in the American sense of the word… Why should we be the ones dictating the right to same-sex couples? We are unique and Western in our views and notions of boy meets girl (or boy), falls in love, and come-what-may/happy-ever-after – you’ve got a partner for life, someone whose foot isn’t out the door if everything goes wrong (something that is extremely important to me… i have abandonment issues, i suppose)
What goes wrong then with us Americans? I mean, we already have a 50% failure rate (or 50% success rate depending on how you want to look at it!) The infatuation part fades (especially after the first 18 months – 2 years, all those “in love” pheromones fade) – and what’s left after that determines everything. I’m definitely a proponent of living it up at the first section – because you’ll never get that time back, but I digress. So… we have a system that we get to choose our partners. And when things do go tragically wrong (and I don’t think divorce is something that is chosen lightly – but i feel the same way about marriage), we have a system of no-fault divorce and we use it.
When no-fault divorce was being enacted, we heard a lot of the same arguments about protecting the institution of marriage. How no-fault divorce would only weaken the institution and marriage would be taken lightly. Vegas does still exist, as does Gaitlinburg and any other town that thrives on the shotgun wedding institution. On the other hand, we are becoming more cautious about marriage. The number of children born out of wedlock is dramatically on the rise. We marry out of necessity less and less. We are more likely to cohabitat, fornicate and so forth instead of getting married immediately. We demand faithfulness and monogamy. This is our Western privilege. Much of the world still views marriage as a pre-ordained, business transaction.
We don’t get married out of biological necessity anymore. We may over financial necessity and betterment – but we have more options than we used to. We get married because we choose to. We love each other and commit to each other and we really do try. Without the same kinds of obligatory bindings holding us together, things change. I really do want to do it right when I finally get there – but for now, I know I don’t have to fall within previous generations of martial pressures. And what will drive me to marriage, drives same sex couples to marriage: love, determination, partnership – not a family, finances, and gender expectations.
So what right do we have to determine who gets married? We had this debate with interracial marriage. And how was it solved? Through legislation and finally, a Supreme Court decision (Loving v. Virginia) Even recently, we have heard from one individual who attempted to deny a couple the right to an interracial marriage. I’m sure there are people in the South who still think that Justice of the Peace was right. (I say this with absolute disgust that he even thought he had the right to deny a marriage!) By the time the Supreme Court had overturned any anti-miscegenation laws, 16 states still had these laws in place. I’m sure a popular vote would not have come very easily in 1967.
At this rate, I’m sick of seeing gay marriage on the ballot. I’m sick of it not succeeding. Its time for bigger, more permanent action take place. Let’s start with repealing DOMA and damn it, I want to see the Supreme Court overturn all laws that will not allow same sex couples to enjoy the same benefits as heterosexual marriages. After all, they are doing it for the same reasons.
P.S. Congrats to Washington for approving Ref. 71 – protecting the civil unions for same sex couples.
Today would have been my grandmother’s 85th birthday. I miss her more than words could ever explain. She was the central figure who raised me from the age of 10 and onward. Before she got overly ill and incoherent, we had made a lot of peace with a lot of things and had steadily become closer and closer.
I don’t think she would understand many of the life choices I or my sister have made… spanning from the little day-to-day stuff and the big stuff. But I hope she would be proud nonetheless.
so, i was given this quote today… at the height of my autumnal funk that kicks in through christmas. i somehow missed it last year… so… this past tuesday, i got a punch in the face that has left me doubly heartsick…
there’s hope for me yet?
A longing for love and approval. That’s the dirty little secret of success.
Yes, you must make something people want. Of course, you must improve and extend it. Certainly, you must give 110% where customer satisfaction is concerned. Definitely, you must convert your customers to evangelists. All of that is true, always has been and will be.
BUT.
But you won’t be able to do those things, not really, not all the way, not as they must be done, unless there is a brokenness in you that continually craves attention and affection you somehow missed out on.
You have to have been abandoned, betrayed, ridiculed, unsupported at some point when you needed it most.
This sounds terrible and it is. But it’s the facts.
A contented person with a whole heart, who has never doubted for a moment that she is loved by God and the universe, should not bother trying to succeed as a creative entrepreneur. She should get a job working for someone else, turn it off at 6:00 PM, and come home to the people who love her.
Only a restless, broken heart can drive you to do what is necessary.
And that’s how to succeed in business without really crying.
About time i commented, eh? i had a deadline and a relatively full social calendar… It may be premature, i do believe there were more worthy candidates this year but i won’t deny the additional hope that was instilled, the same hope that fizzled the day after inauguration when Republicans started throwing tantrums and Democrats bent over and took it without lube. (…and there’s my un-PC comment of the day…) The hope that many Americans felt the day Obama was elected, the tone he set for the rest of the world were among the reasons cited for the award. It isn’t the first time the Nobel Peace Prize was given to help push a global agenda along (see Mikael Gorbachev, 1990) but the onus is on President Obama to deliver on that promise.
A humorous quote being circulated around comes from the State Department:
Certainly from our standpoint, this gives us a sense of momentum — when the United States has accolades tossed its way, rather than shoes.
2. Reduction in Hours
It is worth mentioning – but in the past few days, my heart, love and all my excess affection goes towards my Superhero who unfortunately had his hours reduced by 25%. Working with the Giagantocorps as a contractor – it is a blow. He is taking it like a champ and comparatively, taking it better than my recent laid off stint. Lots of stuff to still be figured out but just want to reiterate, I’m there if ya need it, Doll.
3. Bus Stress
A question posed to all you. Does catching the bus stress you out? This is my main means of transportation and that’s quite fine with me. Work pays for my bus pass, essentially by not driving/owning a car, i eliminate all transportation costs (with the exception of the occasional tank of gas to the Dyl-meister for the little bit of schlepping he does). However, every morning and every evening, i feel as if I go through two emotions, i am either on time or 15 minutes late. i am only on-time when i finally get on the bus. When walking to get to the bus, i am consistently stressed that i am running late (even if i am running early – running early means i can catch an earlier bus – unless i miss it – and then… i’m late) and i hate being late. Punctuality is very important to me and i often see it as a sign of disrespect when people are late (though i’m much less hard on people for that these days…) But making it on time makes me nearly as stressed out as traffic does…
To add the very large people oblivious to the amount of space they are taking, bus drivers who go barreling down the street and then attempt to brake on a dime, and the in general crazy/homeless people on the bus… i can’t relax!
4. Missing music and up-coming shows
So… we are missing the Grizzly Bear and Sunny Day Real Estate shows. They could have been good… Both tonight and i’m a little bummed, not only at the fact that Seattle would force its residents to CHOOSE but… apparently, we ended up choosing neither. D’oh! And, Ben Folds with the Seattle Symphony isn’t going to happen either. *sighs*
On the plus side, Girlyman is coming to town on Oct 29 to the Tractor Tavern. My Hokie fans will say but wait, “Virginia Tech has a football game on Thursday, Oct 29 against UNC” But… i got this covered! The football game starts at 4:30 and the Girlyman show starts at 8 pm. People’s Pub has Virginia Tech game showings and the Tractor Tavern is a mere couple blocks away. All this with my cutie and life is good.
And a little Girlyman love for all of you from an Albuquerque show… Oh hell yes.
5. Hokie Football and missing Autumn
And if you haven’t gathered by now, my shameless addiction to Virginia Tech football. I am thankful for the alumni association and Virginia Tech viewing parties that have only further enabled my addiction and brought back so many memories of football. i haven’t been to a football game in too many years and i miss it dearly.
Not only that, i miss East Coast autumns and Southern humidity. My skin is itchy and dry because Seattle is the driest, wet town i have ever lived in. My skin hates me right now. But what I really miss is the trees, the vibrant colors and the escapes to the Blue Ridge Parkway or the Jefferson National Park on a moment’s whim (and still be able to return within the hour). It just isn’t the same once you cross the Blue Ridge Mountains (part of the greater Appalachian Mountain range) – and all the music that is associated with that region. There just isn’t enough pure bluegrass music to be found. Or the truth in the jazz and blues found in New Orleans. Quite frankly, I’m not sold on the music scene in Seattle. I haven’t seen enough that I truly enjoy. I can have a few drinks, have some fun… but… it doesn’t move me to the core. But maybe, i spend too much time in the wrong venues.
6. Things i’m not worked up about: Where the Wild Things Are (i’ll still probably watch it eventually – i’ve got an excited boy in the wings which makes it a bit more charming…), H1N1, flu shots, Glee, apartment shopping, moving my belongings every 4 days, declining hours of sunlight, poorly insulated apartments, wearing closed toe shoes, being so homesick for the East Coast it hurts
7. Things i am full of bubbly excitement over: my new Wii, Dylan, my television rotation (downloaded a few days late but include: Top Chef, Project Runway, Mad Men, 30 Rock, and the Office), Ken Burn’s National Park documentary series, autumnal flavors (butternut squash, pumpkin, nutmeg, apples), moving to a bigger apartment (once we find one!), Girlyman, coffee, red wine, Swedish aquavit, Hokie football and all traditions that go with it including tailgating, beer, West Coast Irish Coffee (hey if a game starts at 9 am, what else are you going to do?!?!) the gobble, Enter Sandman, key plays, Stick It In cheers, the Hokie Pokie, my new queen bed, hats since only non-natives carry umbrellas, Canadian Thanksgiving, mocking the idiocy of video games but then being addicted to them myself (i.e. Animal Crossing), Smart Wool socks
